The Parenting Lawyer: Preparing for Parenthood

My first child, Meredith, was born when I was 32 years old. I was in the seventh year of my solo practice, which was just beginning to take off. We had bought our first home and begun to “nest.” Nancy then was a fulltime lawyer. But she had decided to take an extended maternity leave after the birth.

Nancy and I both were voracious readers. On a table by Nancy’s side of the bed, a small stack of books on birthing and babies began to grow. Her baby books occasionally would find their way to my book stack, where I would thumb through them. I never became a student of fathering. I imagined that I had more pressing matters to attend.

I was wrong in not taking time to better prepare myself for parenthood. Unfortunately, our species’ survival has managed to couple our greatest period of fertility with a period of youthful self-centeredness and minimal insight. I should have been more cognitively intelligent in my parenting.

When I reference cognitive intelligence, I mean something more than carrying around a lot of facts and figures in your head. Intelligence is the flexibility to take what you know in a particular field - here parenting, make observations about what is transpiring, synthesize the two to create a coherent understanding. From there, you identify possibilities for action. The more you know in advance, the more appropriate your actions.

I recently finished a great little book by Christopher Chabris and Daniel Simons entitled, “The Invisible Gorilla - How Our Intuitions Deceive Us.” They identify six “everyday illusions” that are so woven into habits that we accept them as “common sense.” This common sense often leads to poor decision-making, simply because it is faster and easier. The six illusions, which all bear on parenting, are: we pay more attention than we do; our memories are more detailed and robust than they are; confident people are competent people; we know more than we really do; coincidences and correlations demonstrate causation; and we have vast reserves of brain power that are easy to unlock.

How to avoid these illusions:

First, if you are parenting, do that only. Your focus should be your child. Use this time to build your parenting awareness. If you are multitasking, you are not parenting. There will be times when this happens. It’s not wrong. Just don’t confuse it with parenting. It’s not “quality time” versus “quantity time.” It’s “parenting time” versus “non-parenting time.”

Second, memories of “what worked” with your child last time may or may not work this time. Things always change - with your child, with you and with circumstance. Memories are extremely fallible. If you are not aware of the exact circumstances from the last occasion and this occasion, there is a good chance that repeated behavior will not work. Don’t get angry or frustrated. Take a deep breath. Bring even more awareness to the situation. Try something else.

Third, experts and friends with children appear to have all the answers. Don’t bet on it. Your child is unique. Consider advice for what it is, advice. Return to your awareness of your child to see if the advice fits. If the action that you are considering appears appropriate, under the circumstances, give it a try.

Fourth, I literally have read dozens of books on neuroscience, behavior and emotions. That puts me ahead of a lot of people on these subjects, but not an expert. Even when Nancy got through all the books at her bedside, there still were things she didn’t know. It is all right to not know. In fact, it is better to know that you don’t know than to believe that you do know and be mistaken. Parenting provides great opportunities for engaging your humility. It is better for your child that you are humble, acting in ways that allow you and your child to recover from your mistakes.

Fifth, causation is very deceptive. In this complex universe, to believe that one thing leads to another can prove very harmful in parenting. Appreciate complexity. Learn to live with “not knowing” in parenting. It often will prevent you from making even bigger mistakes.

And sixth, in parenting, you will get tired, lose focus and run out of steam. You can maintain the illusion that you need only tap into your reserves. The truth is you have your limits. The best antidote is to have a backup plan - someone else to take over while you recuperate. But, have your plan in place before fatigue sets in. Know yourself, acknowledge your limits, make your plan, and don’t hesitate to use it - for the sake of all concerned.

Now consider this: What emotional intelligence do you bring to your parenting? Let’s review from three temporal contexts. First, what is the background emotional tone of your life? Find it embedded in your narrative - the story you tell yourself about yourself. Do you see the world generally as a hostile place from which you constantly seek safety? Are the causes of bad things that happen to you persistent?

According to positive psychologist, Martin Seligman, author of “Authentic Happiness,” “If you think about bad things in terms of ‘always’ and ‘never’ and as abiding traits, you have a permanent, pessimistic style.” When good things happen, pessimists see the cause as transient, resulting from specific factors or circumstances. On the other hand, when optimists suffer a setback, they see it as temporary. To optimists, good events are attributable to permanent causes, such as personal traits and abilities.

Remember that your narrative consists of beliefs. Your beliefs may or may not rest on fact. But one thing is certain - how you see the world will affect how you bring the world to your child. In Seligman’s view, your narrative determines whether or not you will be able to maintain hope. Seligman elaborates, “People who make permanent and universal explanations for good events, as well as temporary and specific explanations for bad events, bounce back from troubles briskly and get on a roll easily when they succeed. People who make temporary and specific explanations for success, and permanent and universal explanations for setbacks, tend to collapse under pressure - both for a long time and across situations - and rarely get on a roll.”

Imagine, for the moment, the consequences of parenting without hope.

Moods are next. They are not necessarily driven by any particular system of belief. Moods generally last for hours, occasionally days, and often are created by neurohormonal changes. Most moods are not useful. Moods filter the way you see the world, allowing you to respond to events through a distorted lens.

Paul Ekman, renowned psychologist and coauthor with the Dalai Lama of “Emotional Awareness,” describes a “refractory period,” during which you can only perceive circumstances, remember information, and frame responses in a manner consistent with that mood. According to Ekman, “… a refractory period can last the whole day, and all of that time we are misperceiving the world. We do not have access to everything we know, only what fits our mood.” The devilish thing about moods is that you are often unaware that you are in one. Consider the implications of mood on parenting.

Emotions, however, are different from moods, even though both involve feelings. Emotions are shorter in duration. You know that you are experiencing an emotion. And, unlike moods, for which it is difficult to assign a benefit, many emotions are helpful to your health and well-being. But for you to make the best of your emotions, they must be expressed at the right time, in the right amount and in a way appropriate to the circumstances. And, you must learn to express your emotions in a manner that doesn’t harm others. The good news about emotions is that they are easier to moderate with practice.

That is not to say that narratives and moods are beyond your reach. But they are more subtle and, to me, are best approached after you have a firm understanding of your emotional self-awareness.

Your emotional self-awareness is a prerequisite to discerning the emotional states of others, even when they themselves may be oblivious. This ability allows you to modify your responses with others, to remain available for relationship, to communicate effectively, and to empathize and offer compassion. These are the hallmarks of effective parenting.

Who is emotionally showing up to parent? There is no consistent answer. You will be available in different states at different times. But you at least possess the knowledge that you can improve your parenting capabilities by understanding your narrative, moods and emotions. Then, you can begin to travel the path toward your growing emotional awareness for the benefit of your child and yourself.