Listening Practice

Humans have an amazing capacity to overvalue their competencies. An astounding percentage of automobile drivers maintain that their driving is above average. A similarly unsupportable proportion of college students consider their intelligence above that of their classmates. And so it is with listeners.

While most people with whom I have spoken maintain that they are not being heard, almost all of them consider themselves to be great listeners. In my July 31 column “On Being Heard,” I examined the emotional power and human connection manifested when a speaker is truly heard. I also offered you the opportunity to substantially increase the circumstances in which you are truly heard.

Here is the secret. The better you listen, the more you will be heard. It’s really that simple. Being heard and listening are two sides of the same coin.

Our culture increasingly has lost touch with the meaning and importance of listening. Often, you don’t listen or you only pretend to listen, particularly when you are distracted or multitasking. Sometimes, you pretend to listen because you have to, as when your boss is delivering your annual review. You often listen for data or to be educated, as at a lecture. But your listening is selective. Similarly, you listen for limited purposes, such as agreement (Yes, I know that) or when you either are listening for the purpose of making distinctions (Yes, but) or to prepare for disagreement.

It’s almost as if making you available to connect and understand presents some sort of threat. And perhaps it does.

My logic is as follows. The root of the human tendency to overestimate capabilities and competencies is found in your need to support your narrative (the story you tell yourself about yourself). Originally promulgated to support your survival, your narrative gave rise to a series of judgments and beliefs, which supported successful patterns of survival behavior. As your narrative evolved over time, it further developed the Self as the protagonist, which, to remain coherent, allowed judgments and beliefs to continue to shape behavior which no longer was required for survival or appropriate under changed circumstances.

One of the ways that you learn to adapt to change, to develop more appropriate behaviors, is through the feedback of others. If such feedback challenges your judgments and beliefs, it can come not as a call for adaptation, but as a challenge to your very existence.

So you develop a tendency to shut out or turn down information or feedback representing a narrative challenge. Needless to say, not all conversations represent such a challenge. But if enough of them do, you withdraw from listening as means of self-protection. You do that enough and listening loses its immediacy and intimacy. It becomes more of a screening behavior, intended to protect you from what may be considered threatening.

For this reason, learning to listen (or, perhaps relearning, as you listened well as a child) is not easy. But it is critical. First, to function effectively and efficiently, you must know what is going on. Listening is an exploration. It can lead to meaningful change and adaptation. It can make your life better.

Second, by not listening you are cutting yourself off from relationships that could serve you well, facilitating your growth, exposing you to new perspectives and allowing for creative problem solving.

Other than the fact that most people don’t listen very well, most people fail to understand that listening takes practice. The more you practice, the better you get. Moreover, listening requires intent - a ready state of mind and body. Absent that state, your listening capability is diminished. Finally, there is every reason to become a great listener. You make yourself a more attractive human being.

The bottom line is that listening is risky and requires work, but it pays off.

Why do you need a receptive state of mind and body? Listening is essentially a practice of awareness and attention. A frequently cited study on communication attributes only 7 percent of meaning to the words. The remaining 93 percent of what is communicated is attributed to the speech attributes (pace, tone, volume, intensity, etc.) and somatic manifestations (posture, movement, facial expressions, and the like). Most of us consciously devote our attention to the words, despite the fact that, unconsciously, we are receiving other forms of communication. It is very difficult to make those other communications consciously available, if you are not aware of your own mental and somatic states. To improve your listening capacity, you must learn to quiet down both your body and mind. There are numerous ways to achieve this. I highly recommend breathing practices, such as meditation.

By quieting yourself down, you open yourself up to listening. As you ground your self, you make an implicit offer to the speaker to do the same. The speaker, through your openness, is able to access deeper meaning and speak with greater clarity.

You must consider your posture. If you have your legs or arms crossed, it is hard to communicate calm. The best listening posture is face-to-face and torso-to-torso. This keeps your focus where it belongs and confirms to the speaker your availability.

Next, you next need to learn how to listen without your filter of belief.

Humans live in a world of belief dependent reality. From your life experience, as integrated into your narrative, you have learned to attend to certain things in life, while ignoring others. The things you observe conform to the values you hold because they have served your survival well in the past. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” is the order of the day. Whether or not you can find enough sufficient facts, you use your beliefs to back-fill to create a narrative consistent reality.

So, how can you keep your beliefs from screening your listening?

The truth of the matter is that you usually know about your beliefs before you engage someone you already know. That is not necessarily a bad thing. By acknowledging your beliefs, you can practice how to better engage your conversation partner.

Let’s just try an example. Imagine that you must have a conversation with someone who you believe not to be that smart. In the past, you have gone through the motions of listening, but the entire time your mind was screaming dummy, dummy, dummy! Would you ever tell that person what you are thinking? Probably not. What do you think the chances are that your conversation partner was not aware of your feelings? Pretty slim.

What is it that your judgment gained you? You made someone else feel bad. You learned nothing about what he or she might have had to say. You feel bad yourself, because you know you’re not really that mean (or possibly, that superior). And you just wasted a bunch of time.

Let me suggest to an alternative approach. Could you entertain the notion that you might be entirely wrong? Is it possible that the impression that you hold is shaping how and what this person is communicating? Could it be that if you held yourself open to discovery and withheld judgment, you might learn something new that changes your perspective?

If you face a difficult conversation, take a few moments beforehand to set an intention that the conversation will be productive (and that you will be a good listener), that you will seek to discover something positive about the person, that you will gain new information (data, emotion, impression). You can assess the value of the encounter at a later time.

What about someone new that you only just met? Imagine that the speaker challenges a value you strongly hold. How do you regain your balance and stay in the conversation? First, take a slow, deep breath. Recognize that you often make judgments very quickly. It may be in your best interests to not react. It may be that you misunderstood the speaker. Being a listener does not require passivity. It is always appropriate to ask the speaker to repeat or clarify what he or she may have said. It is better to err on the side of seeking understanding than to reactively engage.

I would urge you to start with five minutes a day of listening practice. Set your intention. Make your attention available by relaxing your mind and body. After a week, expand the practice to 10, then 15 minutes per day. It may require several conversations to meet your quota. Note how you are doing. As you extend the practice, notice how beliefs and judgments creep in. Begin to incorporate my suggestions on withholding judgment, as you increase your listening capacity.

Notice, as you practice, how you are attracting more conversation. Also, notice how you are becoming heard by others.