The Parenting Lawyer

In researching our forthcoming book, “#DOG Tweet: 140 Perspectives on What Our Dogs Teach Us About Being Human,” which I am co-authoring with my wife, Nancy, I recently reread John Bradshaw’s book, “Dog Sense.” In the chapter “How Puppies Become Pets,” Bradshaw addresses I began to see the parallels between raising a puppy and raising a child.

Bradshaw describes two critical periods in a puppy’s upbringing that will shape its future as a pet: The first period is called the sensitive period, which is “when dogs begin to learn about people” and who they can trust. Bradshaw notes that once the puppy is 12 weeks old, “it will start avoiding animals or types of people, even objects, that it has never met before.” The second period is the juvenile period, which continues until puberty (about one year). In this period, the puppy’s character still remains very malleable, but “the experiences it has during this time can have a profound effect on its personality for the rest of its life.” Bradshaw explains that “as the dog gets older and more set in its ways, its capacity to deal with change gradually diminishes.” He concludes, “Thus, in general, dogs that fail to develop both knowledge and coping skills [during these sensitive and juvenile periods] become especially vulnerable to developing rather nonspecific anxieties and will tend to adopt strategies based on avoidance, or even aggression, when they are confronted with something unfamiliar that they feel they can’t deal with.”

Of course, I recognize that children are far more developmentally complex than puppies. But scientific research supports the proposition that, absent genetic or other abnormalities affecting perception, how children come to view their world and their place in it (their narratives); how they come to develop their beliefs and judgments; how their intelligences (cognitive, somatic, emotional, social and spiritual) are incited into action; and how their behavioral actions and reactions are solidified into lifelong habits, follows a similar trajectory. It is all about what children are exposed to and how they learn to cope with diverse experiences in early life. And, likewise, children become set in their ways and, unless taught otherwise, also lose their facility to deal with change. To the extent that we can develop our parent competencies no matter what stage we may be in our parenting - we can do no harm, only good. Even non-parents gain, for this really is about human relationships.

Several years ago, I attended my first multi-day silent meditation retreat for lawyers in Marin County. Each day, a period was given over for discussion and exploration. In one such period, I said to the group: “Every morning that I get up and put on a suit to go out to be a lawyer, I feel like I’m putting on a suit of armor. The armor is designed to protect me from the slings and arrows that I know I will face in the course of the day. But it also gives me certain immunity from my actions. All this makes me more like a machine than the person I believe myself to be. So when I get home to take off my armor, we have a family rule that I’m allowed to at least change my clothes before family engagement. The rule was designed to give me a transition period between my “work life” and my “home life.” But it really doesn’t work. The armor offers no protection. I have to reconcile these lives, integrate them to become who I should be everywhere, all the time, even if my life as a lawyer forever changes.”

My first observation on lawyer parenting is: Become aware of who you are, because who you are is what you present to your child.

The patterns of behavior of many lawyer parents, lost to themselves in their careers; seeking to attain money, power, and notoriety; and disengaged from simple pleasures, a quiet mind, or the ability to develop true friendship, are being visited upon their children from an early age. They don’t intend this outcome. In fact, most consciously seek to create for their children a better world. But they simply lack the awareness to realize that, despite their best intentions, “who they are” is being more effectively transmitted than “what they want” for their children.

I know that I have bitten off something considerable in exploring this issue. I am no expert in parenting. But, as I coach lawyers, I see the suffering and dysfunction in their lives and know that much of it is being presented to their children. I start this conversation not just for parents, or would-be parents, or grandparents. It is for all of us to know and understand how the minds and behaviors of children are influenced.

We are the custodians of their future. For better or for worse, we have created the environment, culture and society, which they will inhabit. Our duty, not only to our direct descendants, but our species, is to be responsible custodians. It is said that it takes a village to raise a child. Each of us bears that responsibility. Many cultures believe that all humans are interrelated and interdependent. It appears that science will remove that concept from belief to scientific certainty in the coming years. We each hold a certain responsibility, not only to serve our own children well, but also to secure a world in which all children are well served.

So I will examine the issue of parenting here in installments. This is not just about bringing cognitive intelligence to our parenting. I will explore developing our emotional, somatic (body), relational (social), spiritual (“more than me”) intelligences to a state where an “integral intelligence” arises, allowing us to bring together all competencies to our parenting efforts. How we perceive, engage, regard, and hold our children makes available the opportunity to learn how to perceive, engage, regard and hold others.